I AM MOTHER
I am documenting my journey as a single mom. I had my baby at 41 in 2020 with a friend who helped me as a sperm donor after my longterm relationship broke up. I have full custody, so everything is up to me, but he plays a role as a father to our child. It is a diary that is about my happiness, my struggle and my worries of becoming a self-chosen, single, modern artist mother, even in a time when the Covid-19 virus happened and everything suddenly became unsafe in the world. It is an ongoing project.
Some physiological changes during pregnancy: 1. Your blood volume increases 2. You actually glow 3. You grow an entire organ (placenta) 4. You stop shedding hair 5. You breathe differently 6. Breasts are getting bigger
Hormonal changes taking place in pregnancy will make your nipples and the area around them go darker. Your skin colour may also darken a little, either in patches or all over. Birthmarks, moles and freckles may also darken.
I got pregnant in February 2020, just before Covid-19 happened and all the shutdowns, crises and movements started all over the world. On one side I was so happy and excited because a little person was growing inside me and that is so magical and nature is such a miracle and I have always felt that I was born to be a mother, that instinct was very strong in me and the love for children is huge and so was my protection for my unborn baby. But then on the other side suddenly all this happened and of course I started thinking a lot about this world and where my child will be born into. My body was changing, my soul was changing, my mind was changing. I was growing in every way and in every aspect of life. What can I do better, how can I raise my child to be a good, generous, independent, healthy person who gives love and not hate and who treats all people equally? It is a very reflective time with many lessons and I hope that I, we and the new generation will learn from the mistakes. I promise that I will do my best.
My daughter was born in November 2020.
In this picture, I was still struggling with pregnancy poisoning (pre-eclampsia), and I was terribly exhausted due to the difficult delivery. I gained 24 kg, mainly because of the water that accumulated everywhere in my body, even around my eyes, which is a symptom and side effect of the poisoning. I lost the edema (water) again within two weeks. Apart from all this, I was the happiest person, even though I don't look like it in this picture.
I experienced a difficult, traumatic birth in which my baby was not in danger, but I was. I aimed for a natural birth, which I did. But in the end, just before my daughter found her way out of my womb, my hypertension skyrocketed and my levels dropped dramatically. So I was in labor for hours and ended up having to have an emergency c-section. I was high on morphine and they gave me more medication to keep my pregnancy toxicity in check, which was in full swing. I was feeling really bad and my body was getting so weak that I was shaking uncontrollably. For a moment, I really thought I wasn't going to make it. How abysmally beautiful and at the same time how brutally violent nature can be. But as almost any mother will tell you, the moment you hold your baby in your arms, all the pain is forgotten. And it's true.
I had to stay in the hospital for a whole week to recover from pregnancy poisoning.
Fortunately, although I was separated from her for a few hours after the birth, breastfeeding worked well right away.
For me it is not a matter of course that I can have a child. I was always in a relationship with men who didn't want children. So it took me longer to fulfill my dream and I was lucky that – despite my age – I ended up getting pregnant without any problems. But I went through a hard time wanting a child and not being sure if I would ever manage to have one. I felt like my time was running out. I had to leave some loved ones behind. Even during a pregnancy, I had worries about whether I would be able to keep it, whether it would stay, because we have to trust nature and it's still a fear and probably always will be. These are all side effects that we don't talk about. A woman's ticking clock, we joke about it, but it's not fun, it's a lot of pressure because we only have a certain window of time as a woman to join the maternity club and that's a fact.
We all have some kind of plan for what life should be like. I had a clear plan in my mind of how I wanted to live and how it should be, and some plans certainly came true because I worked for it, because I committed to it, because I fought for it. On the other hand, sometimes I think the universe has other plans and things turn out differently than expected or desired. Maybe it has bigger plans. Maybe I was destined to be a single mom, even though I always wanted a big family. I am trying to embrace the new me, the change, the struggle, but also how I am thriving again. I am able to enter a new field of experience. Sometimes we lose something we thought would be forever, we grieve, we breathe a sigh of relief, and then we find new gifts and treasures again. I value my self-determined life.
